When I made my breakthrough last year, I went into uncertainty. Deep down I felt that it was the right thing to do, but the “what’s next” I wasn’t sure of. There were plans but it still seemed a bit incomplete to be form a perfect master plan. It was when the year started, that the “just doing it” took place, and some clarity took formation. Excited-ness started, and the worries seemed to be getting smaller. Now every time I’d talk about my plans, I have this big smile, and I know — I’m in the right track. Don’t get me wrong, the plans are still not as complete. And after March, if things don’t go the way I want it to, I have at best come up with only a plan B. But I seemed to have plucked myself out of nervousness and brought myself to *what’s my next adventure*.
A bit gutsy from my part, a risk if you call it, to be planning with too few details (or so they say). Now that I’ve started talking about it (as compared to my half truths last year), there are people who have been questioning my plans, and asking me to complete the picture. And because it’s not yet complete, if you hear me then say, “I don’t know”, I’m just being honest. Although I’m confident enough that things are going to be just fine, I seemed to be getting reactions, feedbacks and comments that are on different sides of the scale.
On one end of the scale, there are people who question where I am in my life, and why am I unclear with what is it that I want to happen or where I want to be, questions that leads to “ay malabo ka pa pala” comments. For some, my adventures seems, to sound like uncalculated risks, or even farfetched realities where blowing my savings makes absolutely no sense to chasing unknowns. Or even made from those idealistic dreams of a teenager/early twenties who is trying to “find herself” and her place in the world.
Obviously comments made, even if coming from the purest of “I’m just concerned for you” intentions, stirs me in the wrong way. And at some points makes me want to go back to my old job on bended knee to ask for my post back. (Not!). I’m thinking of going back to silence, and not mentioning of my plans, until I succeed. Another reaction is going to the defensive, “I know what I’m doing”.
However, in context, there is a point being made. I started with the same feeling of uncertainty anyway. On my own, I’ve already done my own share of questioning, clarifying, processing and putting myself in the hot seat and playing 20 questions. And I already know that however excited I was… I don’t know all the answers. And there is a truth to the “malabo pa pala ako“.
I don’t know where I’ll be in the next few months. I’ve gone as far as March, but after that is still a blank wall. I have absolutely no idea where I’ll get my money after my savings has run out. I also am still unclear of what the “dream” job is, or what is it that I really want to happen in my life. I don’t have a clue which dream I should go after, anyway.
All I know really is, where I was for the past few years … is the past and it is over. And that my search for something new, could be this. For now, I will lay my trust on the uncertainty and that there is something bigger than me. Trust that this feeling of happiness is in alignment with the right thing of where I’m supposed to be.
If it helps, at the other end of the scale, I have friends and family telling me “I’ve always believed in you”, “I know you can”, “Wow, that is an adventure”. And for that, I’m grateful. Even more than I say. Because these are the comments that moves me forward. Makes me a tiny more sure. Makes me believe that yes, I can. I can and I will.
Thank you for those at both sides of the scale and the in-betweens. I know that at certain points, I need to hear both.